Parody / SatireNot affiliated with any politician, party or campaign
Breaking
Eight cats in suits crowd a wooden podium in front of blue and red curtains and American flags: a ginger cat with a blond comb-over at centre, a grey fold-eared cat pointing, a pearl-wearing tabby mid-hiss, a stern black cat, a bespectacled tuxedo cat holding papers, a hairless sphynx at a microphone, a scowling cream Persian and a chin-up orange Persian.

Paid for by the cats. Approved by no cat.

Hairballs, filibusters, and zero accountability.

The only ticket that shows up to the press conference, sits on the briefing notes, and blames the dog. Cats in suits. All talk. Eight chairs, one podium.

Ticker $POLITICATS
Contract address

Announced on election night. Anyone who hands you one before then is campaigning for themselves.

Meet the cabinet Join the party

The Cabinet

The full ticket. One podium, no debates, and a briefing room that smells like tuna. Hover a candidate, or tap one, to hear their platform.

Donald Trumpaw: a ginger cat in a navy suit and red tie with a swept blond comb-over, pointing at you.

DonaldTrumpaw

Front-Runner, Hair Division

The greatest nap in the history of naps. People are saying so. Mainly me.

Joe Meowden: a grey fold-eared cat in a navy suit and blue tie, wide-eyed, pointing at nothing in particular.

JoeMeowden

Senior Senator from the Litter Box

Where was I? Pointing. I was pointing. Good. Keep pointing.

Hillary Clawton: a tabby cat in a navy trouser suit and pearls, mid-hiss.

HillaryClawton

Secretary of Scratching Posts

A hiss in every pot. Pearls stay on. Questions stay off.

Mike Pounce: a black cat in a black suit and black tie, hands in pockets, stern.

MikePounce

Vice Chair of Standing Behind

Will stand one pace behind the chair and say nothing, beautifully.

Bernie Scratchers: a tuxedo cat in round glasses and a dark suit, hugging a stack of papers.

BernieScratchers

Chair, Committee on Paperwork

The stack is the plan. The plan is the stack. Please do not move the stack.

Nancy Pawlosi: a hairless sphynx cat in a black skirt suit and pearls, holding a microphone.

NancyPawlosi

Speaker of the Couch

Holds the mic. Holds the gavel. Holds a grudge, indefinitely.

Mitch McCatnell: a cream Persian cat with a permanent scowl, in a black suit and red tie.

MitchMcCatnell

Majority Leader of the Closed Door

No. Also no. Please see previous no.

Ron DeCatis: an orange Persian cat in a navy suit and red tie, chin held high.

RonDeCatis

Governor of the Sunniest Windowsill

Chin up. Eyes front. No questions on the carpet.

Our Platform

Six promises. We have no plans to keep them, and we plan to be very sincere about it.

Bernie Scratchers holding the platform, which is a stack of papers.

  1. Free kibble for every household.

    Bowl not included. The bowl was never in scope.

  2. A filibuster against the vacuum.

    We will speak until it is switched off, or until lunch, whichever is sooner. It is lunch.

  3. Term limits: nine lives, consecutive.

    Then we run again. Landing on our feet is not a loophole, it is anatomy.

  4. Full transparency.

    The blinds stay open. Every knocked-over glass is livestreamed, with eye contact.

  5. Zero accountability.

    If it fell off the shelf, it was already falling. If it was us, it was the dog.

  6. A sunbeam in every office.

    Funded by the nap budget. The nap budget will be reviewed after the nap.

Network pool feed

Footage Reel

Raw tape from the campaign trail: speeches, shouting matches, a hearing and a scrum. Hover to roll it, tap for sound. Nothing was fact-checked, and every cat was unavailable for comment.

Reel APodium remarksRemarks begin. A point is made. Nobody can say which one.
Reel BFloor debate, day 412Still on the first item. The first item was lunch.
Reel CCommittee hearingGavel acquired. Order not requested.
Reel DPress scrumWalked past every question. Called it a very good walk.

Join the Party

Registration is open to anyone with a wallet and a sense of humour. No dues. No platform you can hold us to.

Ron DeCatis, chin up, waiting to register you.
Voter registrationParty affiliation: Cat

  1. Get a Solana wallet.

    Any reputable one. Write the recovery phrase on paper and tell no one. Not a cat, not a committee.

  2. Put some SOL in it.

    Only an amount you could lose without losing sleep. This is a meme coin, not a retirement plan.

  3. Swap once the address is announced.

    When the contract address is announced on election night, swap SOL for $POLITICATS on a Solana DEX. Until then, any address you see is not ours.

No promises about price. None. We checked, and the cats declined to promise.